Momma, Parenthood, Running

The Girl Who Runs

She is confused. She is distrusting and unclear herself about what will be enough. In her confusion and obsession to “fix” this and get on with living a full and meaningful life, she begins to question everything. She becomes afraid. Afraid she can’t trust her own instincts. Afraid of greater loss. Not only is she afraid of losing love, but she is  also afraid she is losing herself to the overwhelm and chaos.The resentment and anger are slowly suffocating her. She begins to feel she is sacrificing happiness with her children during  their youth. Her own ambitions for in love, acceptance, and health are suffering.

She TAKES responsibility for herself and her process to heal. She longs for the subject of her pain to do the same.She hits the wall. She is weak  and drained physically and emotionally by everyone and everything around her. She says stop. Stop the confusion.  She slows down. She begins to see she needs rest. She needs space. She can’t keep pushing herself and being pushed for attention and love she is not right now capable  of providing.  She is tapped. What does she need? She needs to run. Run long and far to the places of sanctuary that fill her with  comfort,peace,and safety. She runs home to her mother, to her brother and to her life-long friends. She runs to the Mountains, she runs in search of safety. She runs away from everything  feeding her fears of experiencing more loss and pain. She runs away from what she can not trust. She runs in search of meaningful, new experiences and in search of wild places not just outside herself, but within herself.

But now she is  feeling even too weak to run. She is tired. She is so tired that she dreams of curling  up in a dark room and sleeping for days. So many responsibilities need her attention. So many people depend on her.   There is nowhere to go. She has to lean on someone somewhere. So she does what she has always done. She focuses inward and leans on herself. Every run starts right there.