All posts tagged: mommy

The Organized Circus

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The “organized circus” is a phrase I recently used with a friend inquiring about how things were going.  This means  that there are many moving parts of the collective adventures in being a mother, writer, runner, wife, and employee right now that are loosely planned. Last Thursday night, in a very late night and organized fashion, I packed up the car t for a weekend in Tahoe with my kids while my husband was out of town. This was an ambitious adventure in its own right but, the plan also included spending Friday at my office with kids and puppy in tow on our way to the mountains. There is no denying this was highly ambitious  but, it seemed worth a try.  We had also just spent the week packing up of our entire house so it could be painted.  It was probably the lack of sleep that lead to my inevitable tears of defeat a few short hours after attempting to manage at an office that is also an organized circus of dogs and …

Head Lice and a Boston Marathon Finish

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When doubt set it in that I might not have the wear-with-all to run the Boston Marathon last April, one man removed all doubt. He said “Do not run the Boston Marathon. Your marriage, your kids, and all you do are too much in need right now to take this on.” Those were all the reasons I needed to at least try and run this thing. I needed a break, not from running but from working so hard to try an keep the circus of my life – sick kids, sick me, dying grandmother, struggling marriage, insecure family members, loud-mouth family members, desk job – in control. I needed this marathon to set in stone what I always knew. I have no control over any of those things. I can however, control myself and this self needed to check out for a week and surround myself with people who run. All it took was one more well-meaning family member to say “Don’t run”! Are you kidding me? That is all I want to do right now. …

The Girl Who Runs

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She is confused. She is distrusting and unclear herself about what will be enough. In her confusion and obsession to “fix” this and get on with living a full and meaningful life, she begins to question everything. She becomes afraid. Afraid she can’t trust her own instincts. Afraid of greater loss. Not only is she afraid of losing love, but she is  also afraid she is losing herself to the overwhelm and chaos.The resentment and anger are slowly suffocating her. She begins to feel she is sacrificing happiness with her children during  their youth. Her own ambitions for in love, acceptance, and health are suffering. She TAKES responsibility for herself and her process to heal. She longs for the subject of her pain to do the same.She hits the wall. She is weak  and drained physically and emotionally by everyone and everything around her. She says stop. Stop the confusion.  She slows down. She begins to see she needs rest. She needs space. She can’t keep pushing herself and being pushed for attention and love …

Periods, Running, and a Household of Boys

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For years I have fought with the natural cycle of my body. My period would arrive and I would be like, “Ugggh one more thing to manage around everything else I am doing.” Now instead of resisting and fighting with my body’s natural cycle and the inconveniences it brings to running, mothering, and working…… I work with it. Once a month my cycle acts like a siphon of much needed energy for my brain and muscles. It stresses my nerves, patience and hijacks my sense of humor (ask my husband about that one!). During this regular scheduled monthly occurrence I am afraid to be around anyone for fear that I have been possessed by someone unrecognizable to the outside world who will wreak havoc on my skills and relationships. Then, one day the light bulb came on. I don’t know if it was when I was trying to manage stuff  in the bathroom with my little boys busting in and out, or if it was talking with my amazing coach that enlightened me to to stop fighting …

Some Days Training Looks Like This

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Mothering two active and enthusiastic boys requires more strength and fitness than running often does. I am still unclear if training keeps me fit for mothering or if mothering keeps me fit for training.  Pushing ninety-pounds of boy + big wheel + snack rickshaw-style from swimming lessons to little league at eight-minute mile pace so we aren’t late for the game is certainly strength building. Driving is of course an option if I want to spend my entire Saturday sitting in the car, sitting at the lesson, and then more sitting at the game.Using human power to get where we need to go as often more fun, faster (no searching for parking!), and efficient. Run with them then stretch on the sidelines seems to be an all-around win for all! Running home after running to swimming lessons. Noah has great time speeding there on his big wheel with me next to him pushing the Burley for his inevitable rickshaw-style ride home (above)Then there is this workout option: A grocery store “run” becomes an excellent conditioning workout. Sometimes …

Visit to the Ol’ NICU

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Not long ago I revisited the place were hope is born. I went to the California Pacific Medical Center NICU where a friend sat beside her thriving, three pound, thirty week preemies (Yes twins!). I was greeted be the familiar face of a nurse who’s name I could not remember, and then I saw Joe, and then Diane, and before I knew it these nurses were whisking me into the door, giving me big hugs and taking me straight to see Lisa’s precious babies. Before I could say much, there I was, standing in the room with all the isolettes (I hate the word ‘incubators’ because it makes the babies sound like they are sick chickens), the alarms, and flashing lights. It has been a long time since I saw a three pound baby. I held back the tears. I also held back disbelief that these careful angels (nurses) took me straight to Lisa’s babies without her permission. She was doing her deed in the pumping room at the time. The tears  I cried in …

Eight Anniversary of Coming Home

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December tenth doesn’t mean much to my enthusiastic 8 year old. He doesn’t get presents and it isn’t his birthday. To me however, this day never goes by without a moment to note its very special significance. Today will always be the day we brought our first born home from his 96 day stay at California Pacific Medical Center. It was a long sleepless night for all of us. I was terrified. I had convinced myself that babies were best cared for under the twenty-four hour attention of highly trained medical professionals and, maybe he was better off there until he is was one year old. Something so natural as bringing your baby home from the hospital seemed inconceivable for me at that time. He seemed so safe in the hospital. Bringing him home felt equivalent to running a mountain ridge with scissors in your hand. First Ride in the car. Destination? Home! Of course it was time and ready or not he was coming home leaving behind the sanitized medical facility for the warm …

Total mommy immersion program

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When I think of these past five months one word comes to mind joy. I have had the most joyful five months getting to know Noah and nurturing our new family dynamic of a foursome. You will laugh when I tell you the joyful feeling began when I went into labor. If you would have seen me then you would not have described me as joyful, and Aaron is also laughing because he would not describe me as joyful at 4am or any time he caught me with rattled nerves. If you saw me in our first month (Mom) you wouldn’t have described me as joyful either, but underneath a veil of sleep deprivation, nursing woes, and postpartum recovery was a strong sense of happniess and relief that Noah was here, healthy, and happy. The 3 H’s.Clif Bar & Co provided me a generous five month maternity leave that I like to refer to is the Total Mommy Immersion Program. We started out with a crash course in swollen & bleeding boobs, pre-schooler pink eye, and new-sibling rivalry adjustments. But, you know what was joyful …

Joy, work, & then some: maternity leave transition

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When I think of these past five months one word comes to mind joy. I have had the most joyful five months getting to know Noah and nurturing our new family dynamic of a foursome. You will laugh when I tell you the joyful feeling began when I went into labor. If you would have seen me then you would not have described me as joyful, and Aaron is also laughing because he would not describe me as joyful at 4am or any time he caught me with rattled nerves. If you saw me in our first month (Mom) you wouldn’t have described me as joyful either, but underneath a veil of sleep deprivation, nursing woes, and postpartum recovery was a strong sense of happniess and relief that Noah was here, healthy, and happy. The 3 H’s. Clif Bar & Co provided me a generous five month maternity leave that I like to refer to is the Total Mommy Immersion Program. We started out with a crash course in swollen & bleeding boobs, pre-schooler pink eye, and new-sibling rivalry adjustments. But, you know what was …

Mother’s Day

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This is a very special Mother’s Day. Not only is it my first Mother’s day as a mommy, but it is also the first Mother’s day that I realize HOW much my own mother loves me. The love from a mother is so great, so huge, that it can not be explained. It can only be felt. It is also so special because I get to celebrate with the two people who have so thankfully made me a mother, Eric and Aaron. I thank the universe for bringing these people into my life. Nothing could make me happier than waking up to Eric’s jibber jabber or smiling face. To whoever is listening, thank you. I know so many incredible mothers that have given me so much support. Thank you. I have met so many strong and gracious mothers of the tiniest babies. To all the NICU moms, I think of you and your beautiful healthy, happy babies every day. Alan, Spencer, Pacita, Ryan, James, Christopher, Emma, Morgan, Danik, your mothers are courgaeous women. My boys …